“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world” – Marianne Williamson
The realisation that I am an adult child of narcissists came as quite a shock.
At first, I was in denial. I thought;
‘If I could just find the right words, they would hear me’.
‘If I could just find the right approach, they would understand my pain and things would change’.
Yet, no matter what I did or said, nothing changed.
I remember many times I’d complain to friends seeking support as I tried to understand the deep emotional and physical pain from years of gaslighting, being stonewalled, walking on eggshells, people-pleasing and feeling misunderstood; my body twisted like a pretzel in order to survive the dynamic. (Of course, at the time, I didn’t know these words – I thought there must be something wrong with me!)
Yet, I would be met with disapproval or advice that made me feel like I still hadn’t done enough and that it was my responsibility to smooth things over.
“But they’re your parents”, I’d be told.
“You only get one”.
“Be the bigger person”.
Feeling confused and angry, I would ask, “if I was in an abusive relationship, would you tell me to go back to my partner?”
“No? Then why are you telling me that I have to tolerate it from my own family?”
With little to no support from friends and family members, I had to learn to reparent myself.
As I explored the grooming tactics behind modern slavery, having now spent a couple of years with several survivors of CSE and human trafficking, I started to see how these tactics also existed within my family dynamic, and within society.
The main grooming tactics are:
- Using words of love, which are rarely backed up by action
- Gaining trust and a position of power
- Physical and emotional abuse and threats
- Isolation from family and friends, and
- Economic abuse, either by making a person dependent on your resources, or using gifts or money as a bribe to overlook their poor behaviour
One of the reasons I had felt so crap about myself is because many of these tactics are either subtle, or “normal” in our reality; they create confusion and doubt, to the point where you feel like you are going insane.
This went on throughout my childhood and into adulthood, after my parents divorced. If I didn’t suck it up or extend the olive branch, I was the problem.
As I began my healing journey, I later discovered that I attracted others who reflected the treatment I had grown to expect as my “normal”. Unless we see it and heal it, we will spend a lifetime gravitating towards our familiar yet uncomfortable reality.
It took many years looping in painful cycles before accepting that there was nothing I could do to change them. It’s not necessarily their fault that their own childhood trauma created the dysfunction, yet it is their responsibility to heal.
Whilst I don’t particularly like labels because I believe we are simply witnessing a spectrum of unhealed generational trauma responses, it helps you understand. Narcissistic abuse is not easy to spot when you’re in it, especially to outsiders. This type of character is usually well known in the community, a go-getter, perhaps very likeable with a good sense of humour. I also recognise that this toxicity is rife in society and, within positions of leadership.
And, this is precisely why it is also incredibly difficult to free yourself.
Whilst this ordeal has been very painful, it is now powerfully liberating. Questions about why I had suffered such low self-esteem and never feeling good enough were answered and I was finally able to forgive and claim my inherent worth and value.
I now know why I had such profound and unusual encounters with various survivors of modern slavery, as well as the various authorities and establishments: to bring the deep wisdom gained from this lived experience to assist in the global healing and empowerment of others.
True freedom comes from within. It isn’t about changing the world, it’s about knowing who you are in any given moment and making choices that align with that truth.
And, that’s when the world around you changes!
I love to hear from you – Where in your life are struggling to forgive? How can I support you to do that?
With a peaceful heart,
Victoria
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